Monday, August 27, 2012

Angry hair

I went for a run this morning.  Nothing earth shattering about that.  The fact I haven’t run for a while is a sign for me that I need either a kick in the @ss or a moment of reflection & refocus.  In this case, all of the above.

The past couple of years have been difficult on me in mind, body and spirit.  After I finished my first (and only!!) marathon in 2009, I felt like life started slipping thru my fingers. Work is not the centre of my universe but what was supposed to be a good thing eroded into a not-so-good thing.  That was frustrating and made me sad, disappointed.  Then the other parts of my universe – the things that happen inside your 4 walls - went off the rails.  I’m not sure how other houses function but in my house, I am the constant.  I am the main support beam and when the rest of the house has ‘renovations’, it is me who taps in the supporting braces.  And this is ok; for my 4 walls.  But – it takes a toll.  I had to become immersed in the renovation process.  All of my time and energy went to other people’s projects.  In turn I got fat, tired, out of shape and fairly pissed off at the world.  Being pissed off is different than being angry.  When I am angry I lash out, when I am pissed off it is a slow simmer of reflection served with a side of brownies.
The past winter I started moving to get back to me.  I lead some running clinics, finished my first half marathon in several years.  That was good. But I’m still feeling fat and unhealthy.  My blood pressure is elevated.  I am sure I can look/feel/be much better if I truly focus on ME now.  I pretty much stopped running in the summer to do some additional renovations. Lame - cannot believe I let all those physical gains go.  However, I have come to the understanding that renovations may be a life long journey for some folks and that I cannot be sitting on the sidelines, wearing a tool belt and watching it happen.  I can only tap in the support wall and carry on.  Work is good too.  And let’s be real – it does matter because you spend a significant part of your time there.  No one needs to be surrounded by negativity – anywhere.  I signed up for a course that I have wanted to take for a couple years.  I will even get to drive my car to campus. And it is Fall; my favourite time of the year.  Crisp, clean air.  No bugs. Less allergies.

Today’s run was hard.  I could not find my footing.  That doesn’t mean I fell. I mean the rhythm of pace and breathing was jumbled and jagged. When running is good, it is like time stands still while you move thru it.  The measure of distance is not in the front of your mind and the concern of the public at large watching your giggly parts evaporates.  It is magical.  That is why I run – for those moments.   As I rounded my last corner on the final stretch to home, I was met by this ridiculous looking dog on a leash.  It had this goofy white hair blowing in the wind and was hell bent on going somewhere but the leash was holding it back.  The sight made me laugh and I felt a connection with the dog.  I thought – it has angry hair!  Hope it gets to run free soon - and gets a hair cut.

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